Tag: humourous

GlennyRodge: At the end of every cup of tea, you say "that hit the spot".

kerihw: You don't even have tea. You have an "infusion".

GlennyRodge: Your favourite football team aren't as good as you think they are.

kerihw: The faces you make in Chinese restaurants are both racist and physiologically inaccurate.

GlennyRodge: White socks wearer.

kerihw: You always say "do you just do a medium normal coffee?" in coffee shops even though the menu's right there and it's not hard.

GlennyRodge: When asked how you are, you reply "I'm okay. It's the others".

kerihw: Smashed plate cheerer.

GlennyRodge: pinch and a punch, first day of the monther.

kerihw: You politely hold doors open for people, but you do it in a ridiculously theatrical manner, bowing down and swishing your arm.

GlennyRodge: You always tick the box to receive more information about the company's products and/or services.

kerihw: You would do "that" for love.

GlennyRodge: You actually like me.

kerihw: Sometimes, when your Ocado delivery has too many substitutions, you get so angry you slap your thigh.

GlennyRodge: You have Speak Like A Pirate Day ringed on your calendar.

kerihw: You prefer rollerballs.

GlennyRodge: You're what Willis was talkin' 'bout.

kerihw: Your favourite thing in the world is explaining using a vast PowerPoint presentation why the song Ironic isn't ironic.

GlennyRodge: "Jedi" as religion on census form writer.

kerihw: You like the new rounded shape of Dairy Milk.

GlennyRodge: You think that poshness is the only difference between Rugby Union and Rugby League.

kerihw: Nobody calls you the space cowboy, Maurice or the gangster of love and you do not speak on the pompitous of love either.

GlennyRodge: Despite what you think, Harper Collins did not write To Kill A Mockingbird.

kerihw: Despite what you think, Spot The Dog is not real.

GlennyRodge: Ugg boots wearer.

kerihw: With you, it definitely is the Maybelline.

GlennyRodge: In the evenings, you retire to your room and read plays. Aloud. With accents.

kerihw: Arsenal's chief transfer negotiator.

GlennyRodge: You actually made that tut they showed you to make on Blue Peter.

kerihw: You're crap at using autocorrect.

GlennyRodge: You've had a bit of food on your face since lunchtime.

kerihw: Your favourite ninja turtle is "Titian".

GlennyRodge: When discussing measurements with builders, you replace 'by' with 'be' so they think you're cool. They don't, be the way.

kerihw: You spend 20 minutes every morning wondering what Dale Winton is up to now.

GlennyRodge: When you're cross or moaning, you add an 'er' sound to the last word of each sentence.

kerihw: You think anti-climb paint is part of a Mormon conspiracy.

GlennyRodge: One Show watcher.

kerihw: You think a squid is a daddy octopus.

GlennyRodge: You maintain that, with a couple of months off work and a five grand float, you'd be able to find Lord Lucan.

kerihw: You try to get women to marry you by flashing your new combine harvester even though they already have more land than you.

GlennyRodge: Whistley nose breather.

kerihw: Your mash is lumpy and dry.

GlennyRodge: you still collect Panini football stickers.

kerihw: At the start of all three Lord Of The Rings films, you sang "Everybody's Tolkein At Me, I don't hear a word they're saying".

GlennyRodge: You're a belieber and a directioner. For fuck's sake, pick one, will you?

kerihw: You continue to maintain supersymmetry is a valid component of string theory despite the LHC finding no evidence it exists.

GlennyRodge: Lib Dem voter.

kerihw: Keep calm and carry onner.

GlennyRodge: Fat from bacon remover.

kerihw: You're so vain you thought the whole album was about you.

GlennyRodge: You think the darts on BBC is better.

GlennyRodge: Bed goer

kerihw: When shop assistants ask if you want a bag you don't say "yes please" you say "ooooooh that would be lovely if you've got one".

GlennyRodge: Shop name pluraliser.

kerihw: When you walk backwards through a door holding two cups of tea you make "woop woop" noises like a truck reversing.

GlennyRodge: "You say it best, when you say nothing at all" was Ronan Keating's way of telling you to pipe down.

kerihw: The voice on your satnav is Stuart Hall.

GlennyRodge: Selfyer.

kerihw: In chess, you call pawns "prawns".

GlennyRodge: You call dinner 'lunch' and tea 'dinner'.

kerihw: Disk 3 is missing from your Monarch Of The Glen Complete Series 1 - 7 box set.

GlennyRodge: It was series 4 before you realised Frasier's brother wasn't called Miles.

kerihw: You don't know which Dimbleby is which.

GlennyRodge: you describe yourself as outdoorsy.

kerihw: You do hokey-cokeys on your own.

GlennyRodge: You use your own little quirks and foibles as inspiration for your insults towards me.

kerihw: When they ask "Have you been to Nandos before" you say no, even though you have, as you're afraid something might have changed.

GlennyRodge: You say "boxed set" instead of "box set".

kerihw: You do the shake 'n vac song and dance whenever you hoover.

GlennyRodge: When you sit down the tattoo of Winston Churchill on your belly scrunches up and looks like Captain Mainwaring.

kerihw: Just as you and your wife are about to go out, you ask her when she's going to get changed. Every time.

GlennyRodge: Your kids often ask "why does daddy keep talking about scotch mist?"

kerihw: Your Thundercat name is Bagpussra.

Continued here

kerihw: No. Not after the bullshit you pulled a while ago. You've ruined it forever.

GlennyRodge:  You're serving a life time ban anyway. Druggie.

kerihw: You can't pee without humming.

GlennyRodge:  Englishman.

kerihw: When you're wearing your backpack you do up the strap across your chest.

GlennyRodge:  Last Night of the Proms bobber.

kerihw: The only way you'd get on Masterchef would be as an ingredient.

GlennyRodge:  You call it Chrimbo.

kerihw: You prefer Cocoon II.

GlennyRodge:  You're still saying "thank Crunchie it's Friday" even though the advert hasn't been on the telly for
years.

kerihw: 606 phoner inner.

GlennyRodge:  You say "Helin" instead of "Helen".

kerihw: When speaking to someone in a call centre you actually make a note of the reference numbers they give you.

GlennyRodge:  When you grow your hair long, you look a little bit like your nan.

kerihw: Your best chat-up line involves explaining at length why you think Bungle is a wookie.

GlennyRodge:  The face of your watch is on the inside of your wrist.

kerihw: You are the only man to have ever used a Boots No. 7 voucher.

GlennyRodge:  You keep your phone in a belt pouch despite having perfectly working pockets.

kerihw: You think you're clever when you tell people Dracula isn't the name of the vampire, it's the name of the vampire's creator.

GlennyRodge:  5-a-day counter.

kerihw: When you finish using the toilet you don't rinse the little bum brush properly.

GlennyRodge:  You think men who have shoulder bags are "a bit, you know".

kerihw: You drag your telly into the kitchen every Saturday morning so you can pretend you're participating in the omelette challenge.

GlennyRodge:  You try impressing younger people by saying Example is your favourite band.

kerihw: You keep your headphones in the little bag that came with them.

GlennyRodge:  Your last three trips to A&E have all been cotton bud related.

kerihw: You blow raspberries at lollipop ladies.

GlennyRodge:  Your favourite treat is your weekly trip to "macky dee's".

kerihw: You put jam on a scone first, then cream.

GlennyRodge:  You wear T-shirts with 'humorous' writing on them.

kerihw: You think denial is a river in Turkey.

GlennyRodge:  You've made a list of insults because you keep forgetting the good ones.

kerihw: Your nickname is "Slaphead" and it's not because you're bald.

GlennyRodge:  You thought the Great Train Robbery robbers stole a train.

kerihw: You never use your wok.

GlennyRodge:  You have a total of 85 tissues and 7 half packets of polos in all your coat pockets.

kerihw: You had to get a man in to fix it when your attempt to install glueless laminate flooring was a laughable disaster.

GlennyRodge:  Every time your wife bends down to pick something up, you say "while you're down there". Every time.

kerihw: You've never realised that the word filofax comes from "file of facts".

GlennyRodge:  You turn the temperature setting on your shower to 'twenty past' even though it isn't a clock.

kerihw: If someone put you on the spot you wouldn't be able to tell them where your vacuum cleaner accessories are.

GlennyRodge:  You delete and re-write tweets whenever you make a your/you're error.

kerihw: You think Jake Humphrey is a "Des Lynam for the Facebook epoch".

GlennyRodge:  your FarmVille farm is 100% broccoli.

kerihw: You share your exercise progress on Google+.

GlennyRodge:  Whenever you watch athletics you always say "that reminds me, must pop down the allotment and see how my runners are doing".

kerihw: You paid for your anti-virus.

GlennyRodge:  You always seem to need a wee within minutes of bleach being poured down the pan.

kerihw: Your job is writing the chummy, hilarious stuff that goes on Innocent bottles.

GlennyRodge:  You prefer the You've Been Framed hosted by "that bird from Emmerdale Farm".

kerihw: Full kit wearer.

GlennyRodge:  Your glasses go dark when you go outside.

kerihw: Your sponges always come out dry because you forget that the ingredients should be at room temperature when you mix them.

GlennyRodge:  You always seem to get the dodgy tap in the gents' loo when you're wearing light coloured trousers.

kerihw: Almost all of your clothes are from Superdry.

GlennyRodge:  You thought it was "hand-fisted".

kerihw: You swallow maltesers whole.

GlennyRodge:  "That's that job jobbed" sayer.

kerihw: Your moisturising regime lacks focus.

GlennyRodge:  You prefer the Steps version of Tragedy.

kerihw: You don't prefer the Steps version of Tragedy.

GlennyRodge:  "So much for global warming" sayer.

kerihw: "Ooooh no no no no, just a Korma for me" sayer.

GlennyRodge:  You tell people who didn't know you as a teenager that you once had trials with Bristol City.

kerihw: Internet Explorer user.

GlennyRodge:  Browsing data clearer.

kerihw: None of your ceilings are Artex.

GlennyRodge:  You thought it was Symphony For The Devil.

kerihw: Your job is choreographing the little moves athletes do when they have their pre-race close up.

GlennyRodge:  You insist your parents leave your room the way it was when you left home, even though they've twice moved house since.

kerihw: YOU SAY "COOL BANANAS".

GlennyRodge:  Once you actually compared apples with oranges.

kerihw: You listen to the Archers during the week so you can impress your dog by predicting what will happen during the Sunday omnibus.

GlennyRodge:  You believe that counting Paul McGann as Doctor Who is an insult to time travel.

kerihw: You're so MoneySuperMarket.

GlennyRodge:  You make shepherd's pie with beef.

kerihw: You can't eat sweetcorn without mentioning how it comes out the same way it went in.

GlennyRodge:  You watch Dog The Bounty Hunter for tips on both fugitive hunting and fashion.

kerihw: You claim to ironically enjoy Spongebob Squarepants so you look cool but actually watching it leaves you angry and confused.

CONTINUED HERE

GlennyRodge:  If a monkey appears on the telly, you say to the person you're with "I didn't know you were in this". EVERY TIME.

kerihw: You can't use twitter.

GlennyRodge:  You carry on the swing ball game after the little thing has popped up.

kerihw: Your favourite Woody Allen film is Barely Legal 7.

GlennyRodge:  You make tea in the wrong order.

kerihw: You say you read Game Of Thrones but you haven't even seen the TV show you just sat naked on an egg pretending to be a dragon.

GlennyRodge:  I'm a twitter account you set up 3 years ago so you had someone to talk to. You've basically been arguing with yourself for a week.

kerihw: You weren't even on twitter 3 years ago. I. I mean I.

GlennyRodge:  You have your keyboard sound switched to 'on' on your phone.

kerihw: Your legal action against Walkers over your perception that "Monster Munch are not as big as they used be" has no basis in law.

GlennyRodge:  You regularly make your kids okay Eurovision Song Contest just so you can do voting with accents.

kerihw: Re-vines were your idea.

GlennyRodge:  When your wife says she's going to do the hoovering, you pull her up on it because you actually have a Vax.

kerihw: You don't even want to build a bear you just go for the companionship.

GlennyRodge:  Your Irish accent is quite terrible.

kerihw: Your favourite Star Wars is the first one, with the bald woman.

GlennyRodge:  Jeremy Clarkson lover.

kerihw: You prefer the original version of Bladerunner with the voiceover.

GlennyRodge:  You subscribed to ITV Digital.

kerihw: You attempt to single-handedly form a second queue in shops when there is obviously one queue for two tills.

GlennyRodge:  You maintain your all time favourite comedian Lenny Bruce, yet your collection of Billy Chuffing Heck Pearce DVDs belies this claim.

kerihw: You've got a WKD side.

GlennyRodge:  You say bally when you mean bloody.

kerihw: You do theatrically over-elaborate sneezes.

GlennyRodge:  You've written to the BBC to ask why your home town never appears on the weather.

kerihw: You've never experienced Status Quo live.

GlennyRodge:  You had Angel Delight at your wedding reception.

kerihw: You Bing your own name.

GlennyRodge:  You refuse to have HP sauce in your house. It's Daddy's or nothing with you.

kerihw: Twiglet apologist.

GlennyRodge:  You're a bugger for a biscuit.

kerihw: You still think Lampard and Gerrard deserve another chance to form an effective midfield partnership.

GlennyRodge:  You think irony and coincidence are the same

kerihw: You think Bargain Hunt and Cash In The Attic are the same thing.

GlennyRodge:  You claim Tiswas was better than Swap Shop but you never actually saw it.

kerihw: Your inability to tell left from right or sidestep made you the worst ever helmet wearer on Knightmare.

GlennyRodge:  You have incredibly small feet. Size 3.

kerihw: "NIce weather for ducks" sayer.

GlennyRodge:  Jeans with school shoes wearer.

kerihw: You thought the end of Inception was brilliant but only because you like spinny tops.

GlennyRodge:  You're the reason why pubs have signs saying "Shirts to be worn at all times on these premises".

kerihw: When separating whites and colours for washing you're never sure what to do with all the union jacks you've sown swastikas on.

GlennyRodge:  When you burp, it smells of sick.

kerihw: You want to "enter your reg number now" but you can't remember what the name of the website is.

GlennyRodge:  You smell of wet cats and despair.

kerihw: When you buy shoes you let them talk you into buying a bottle of stain repellent / waterproofing stuff that you then never use.

GlennyRodge:  You maintain that Scott and Charlene's wedding is the single greatest moment in the history of television.

kerihw: Your Ted Baker onesie is in fact a cheap knockoff.

GlennyRodge:  You don't have drinks with friends. You go out "for a few sherbets".

kerihw: Your rendition of the 'Single Ladies' dance routine goes wrong 2m 34s in when you wobble your left thigh instead of your right.

GlennyRodge:  You celebrate loved ones' birthdays through the medium of the bed sheet and the roundabout.

kerihw: You think it's really impressive you can always guess who the murderer is 20 mins before the end when you watch Columbo.

GlennyRodge:  In a game of rock, paper, scissors, you're the one that does fire.

kerihw: "Had an accident with a lawnmower?" "Had your ears lowered?" are some things you say when you notice someone's had a haircut.

GlennyRodge:  Your sick person voice is ridiculous. It sounds like you're about to cum.

GlennyRodge:  One more from you and then call it quits?

kerihw: Alright.

kerihw: QUITTER.

GlennyRodge:  x

Round 4 Continues here...

kerihw: I have glasses now. pic.twitter.com/8j2Dm7iUGk

GlennyRodge: You look racist. x

kerihw: And you continue to look like a tramp warming himself around a fire he's started in a bin x.

GlennyRodge: Collector of fridge magnets.

kerihw: Teaspoon non-rinser.

GlennyRodge: 'Pacific' when you mean 'specific' sayer.

kerihw: YOU HAVE FLORAL WALLPAPER.

GlennyRodge: Top Gear watcher.

kerihw: You walk past Big Issue sellers and pat your pockets like you have no change and do a face.

GlennyRodge: You put the children's sides up at the bowling alley but still only score 83.

kerihw: Medium peri-peri sauce at Nandos user.

GlennyRodge: "Not three bad, thanks" sayer.

kerihw: YOU CALL THEM JIM-JAMS.

GlennyRodge: Jammies actually. No, wait. You phone up polls they have on the telly and vote 'don't know'. All the time.

kerihw: Dave Ja Vu watcher.

GlennyRodge: Only male in the Barry Manilow fan club.

kerihw: Extended warranty purchaser.

GlennyRodge: You always have the right change.

kerihw: You prefer shredless.

GlennyRodge: Ross is your favourite Friends character.

kerihw: You still don't understand what happened at the end of Usual Suspects.

GlennyRodge: You wee into the middle of the pan so everyone can hear you.

kerihw: None of your porcelain cats are part of a pair.

GlennyRodge: You don't like the yellow blanket because "it's a bit too scratchy".

kerihw: You think margarine is goose butter.

GlennyRodge: When handed the box of chocolates, you spend 15 minutes choosing, for crying out loud.

kerihw: You don't understand buttons.

GlennyRodge: Sleeper

kerihw: Wealdstone fan.

GlennyRodge: 'There's nowt as queer as folk' sayer.

kerihw: You keep eggs in the fridge.

GlennyRodge: When playing board games, everyone has to wait for you to read the rules, no matter how many times you've played the game before.

kerihw: You hail buses you have no intention of boarding.

GlennyRodge: Only person under 70 that says "strewth".

kerihw: You don't put dvds back in the right case.

GlennyRodge: You consistently confuse Portsmouth with Plymouth.

kerihw: You watch Channel 5 news.

GlennyRodge: You refuse to play monopoly unless you're the dog.

kerihw: On Streetfighter II, you would voluntarily be Guile.

GlennyRodge: You include David Niven in a list of James Bonds.

kerihw: You get confused between AAA and AA batteries.

GlennyRodge: You use a steering wheel lock even though you have a car alarm because "you can't put a price on piece of mind".

kerihw: You spoil everyone's fun on bouncy castles by bombing.

GlennyRodge: You keep calling yourself The Kezmeister in a vain attempt that it'll catch on.

kerihw: You just save all your files on your desktop.

GlennyRodge: You're only truly happy when you're doing your puzzles.

kerihw: When you sing "We Didn't Start The Fire" in the shower you can only remember as far as "Children of thalidomide".

GlennyRodge: Every Christmas you insist on showing younger bemused relatives your Frank Spencer impression.

kerihw: You wear running shoes to do cross-training.

GlennyRodge: Unnecessarily loud sneezer.

....

GlennyRodge:  @TheBathBird @kerihw I'm a little sorry that he's now cowering in the trounced corner. It was good fun.

kerihw: Yeah, cowering. LIKE A FOX. Lynx wearer.

GlennyRodge:  YOU CRIED WHEN DEL AND RODNEY BECAME MILLIONAIRES.

Continued here...