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Category: humourous

Published on Leave a comment on Tweety Pies

CH Spurgeon on Psalm 88: The mind can descend far lower than the body, for it there are bottomless pits... ...The flesh can bear only a certain number of wounds and no more, but the soul can bleed in ten thousand ways and die over and over again each hour... Under the influence of certain disorders everything will wear a sombre aspect and the heart will dive into the profoundest deeps of misery... It's all very well for those in robust health and full of spirits 2 blame those whose lives are sicklied over with the pale cast of melancholy... but the evil is as real as a gaping wound, and all the more hard to bear because it lies so much in the region of the soul... Reader, never ridicule the [depressed], their pain is real. Though much of the evil lies in the imagination, it is not imaginary."

Preacher: the Bible is not a reservoir to bring us back to, it's a river already flowing. Preaching is part of the Bible's dynamic movement.

Faith is never described in the Bible as a response to evidence per se. It's a response to the word /the gospel /preaching /Christ crucified

“God writes the Gospel not in the Bible alone, but also on trees, and in the flowers and clouds and stars.” Martin Luther

“Prayer is not overcoming God’s reluctance. It is laying hold of His willingness.” Luther

Israel was chosen in light of the Seed and for the sake of the nations. God's people are those who are "in Christ" and "for the world".

What is the Bible? The users manual? Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth? No. Most fundamentally it's the Spirit's testimony to the Son.

What is Bible reading? Your pious offering to God? No, His personal offering to you: "Behold my Son!"

"You are designed to be a burden to me and I... to you. [Our life] should be one of 'mutual burdensomeness.'" John Stott

What did you expect? This is the Lamb's world.

Some thoughts for preachers: "The preacher's movement does not consist so much in going towards the congregation as in coming from Christ."

"Preaching is `God's own Word', that is to say, through the activity of preaching, God himself speaks." (Barth, Prayer & Preaching)

[More Barth] Preaching is "announcement" more than "description" (P&P). This is because the Bible is already "proclamation in writing" (I/1

The purpose of Judgement Day is not to inject uncertainty into our future.
Judgement is God's way of securing our future from all evil.

"I will give my life" - the pig-sty'd prodigal.
"I will find my boy" - the running father.
One resolve intends slavery, the other: sonship

Eastbourne has many gleaming saints who've learnt the secret of contentment and many grumbling souls who have not. *Old age* does not mature

Athanasius (on Psalms): "He suffered for us and bore in Himself the wrath that was the penalty of our transgression." Early Church PSA.

How did Jesus go about "breathing on His disciples" in John 20:22? Dunno, but He's given us the Bible so He can keep doing it (2Tim3:16)

The Lamb unlocks the scroll.

The median date for the folios is 4 yrs b4 Muhammed received his revelations. The latest is 5 yrs b4 the Quran was supposedly written down. Imagine finding a copy of the sermon on the mount dating to Jesus' infancy. That's the problem 4 this 'oldest Quran' (LINK)

"Wherever you are, be all there." Jim Elliot. (I think it was Jim Elliot, I heard it on a podcast while doing admin).

"Be the place the violence ends". <- Francis Spufford's excellent summary of "turn the other cheek". We're through the worst of it. (Romans 13:12) Earth's heaven is heaven's hell. Heaven's heaven is earth's hell. Virtue signalling: the essence of Pharisaism (Matthew 6); the engine of social media. If you're struggling it's very likely that friends will "say the wrong thing". But it's also very likely that you will hear the wrong thing. "Now that I have washed your feet, you should wash mine"? No grace runs downhill. "God does not need your good works, but your neighbor does." Martin Luther Just had a Great chat w a Muslim using Jay Smith's conversation starter: "I think Jesus is God & the Bible is God's word do u have an opinion?" It's not just that God condescends to reveal Himself. Incredibly His condescension reveals *Himself* Whatever else is said about Pharaoh's hardening, understand that he is not a random individual but the head of the house of the wicked. The "exclusivity of Christ" is the good news that God is *none other* than the One who died for the world. What is ultimate reality? The one: monotone. The many: cacophony. The Three: harmony. Salvation is not a taxi, it's a free bus.You neither drive nor pay. You find yourself with others on the bumpy road to a sure destination. Trinity is not a problem to solve, it's the answer. It's a unitarian god who really makes no sense. How can an eternal monad ever break free from the prison of their own transcendence? The Bible doesn't tell us to *reach* Israel so much as to *be* Israel in reaching the world. Forgiveness does not abolish the need for good behaviour. Forgiveness assumes those ethical expectations and then establishes them truly

Just used the self-checkout or "mirror" as I call it

Babies smell incredibly good considering they spend their days marinating in urine.

Well done England. You have won the Worst Ashes Ever.

Well done bowlers. You've thrashed the batsmen 5-0 in this #Ashes #bbccricket

Well done Australia - you outgunned England with both bat and ball - AUS: 2565/80 versus ENG: 2365/81

This hasn't been a great game for the neutrals #ENGvSWI

At the Chick Pea Speedway, we get pulses racing.

Try my inflatable crystal ball. It's clearbuoyant

I hated being School Superintendant. I should have quit while I was a head

Don’t be taken in by conspiracy theories. They're all just government plots to discredit their enemies.

I’m allergic to placebos but thankfully my doctor says she’s got just the sugar pill to cure me.

My therapist just doesn't get my underlying motivation. Shame

I invited Usain Bolt to play the lead in my Robert Louis Stevenson play. Unfortunately he can run but he can't Hyde

[Smiling actor turns to camera]
"Here at Spines For You..."
[Extreme close up}
"... We've got your back."
[BAFTAS all round]

I'm sorry I called you emotionally stunted. No hard feelings?

9

Published on 9 Comments on Denominations? Let it go

I was just sent this via email. I've tried to track down the source but with no joy so far. Comment if you know...

UPDATE: It's by Paul Kerry. Great going Paul!

Here's the Frozen song “Let it go” as a summary of the various strands of the church...

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Brethren

Be the good girl you always have to be. Catholic

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know. Conservative

I don’t care what they’re going to say. Independent

It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. Charismatic

No right, no wrong, no rules for me. Liberal

Here I’ll stand, and here I’ll stay. Lutheran

My power flurries through the air into the ground. Pentecostal

I’m never going back, the past is in the past. Progressive

The cold never bothered me anyway. Anglican

Published on Leave a comment on Surprising my mum for her birthday VIDEO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Be9_cxJfAEI

It was a flying visit last month. I was only in Australia for 5 days, but it was worth it for this.

Her reaction from 3:01 was priceless :)

Check out The Happy Day band too - they're awesome!

And big thanks to Andy Brinkley for filming and editing it all.

Published on Leave a comment on Tweety Pies

We don't push faith out of ourselves by our will. Christ pulls faith out of us by His gospel.

Yr sins have been forgiven 4 Christ's sake, u know the Father, u've overcome the evil1, ur strong&God's Word lives in u 1John2 #EnjoyYourDay

Great British Bake Off teaches us about order in the kitchen: Every Mel needs a Sous. Complements to the chef

Phwoar, binary code... that's a noughty one.

Ingratitude goeth before pride.

Sadly, your average Australian church-goer believes in moralistic, therapeutic, G'deism.

Dont know the way forward? "Ask God who gives wisdom generously 2 all without finding fault & it will be given 2u" James1:6 #EnjoyYourDay..

Remaining tight lipped is the only way to blow your own trumpet <-- the horns of a dilemma Our fave Luke15 image of salvation is the prodigal choosing repentance. The early church's fave was the Shepherd grabbing the lost sheep On results day, remember your Father has your future, the Son is your standing and the Spirit is your comforter. #EnjoyYourDay Today I've read that Mark Driscoll's a "complimentarian" and the CofE's an "Angelican" church: some typos to live up to. One day you will rest from your labours (Rev 14:13). Till then you're God's gift to the world. #EnjoyYourDay

We haven't merely singlified sex, we've Zwinglified it.

Muggier than an Interpol suspect list.
Muggier than a Starbucks dishwasher.
Muggier than a Bogota back-street.

Rainier than a Prince of Monaco.

You don’t like flat bread? More’s the pitta.

You can't use strips of The Times as a sweat band. Use News You'll Ooze

Just realised I was using the wrong paper. It should be The Absorber

As a student: Ready Salted, Salt&Vinegar, Cheese&Onion and Prawn Cocktail were the flavours of my bath towel as term progressed.

When it got to Smoky Bacon I'd boil it up with some economy rice and a half litre of Carlsberg.

Just not sure which "check a trade" site I can trust :-/

It was always going to be a career of two halves. Sting operations won't work if they know you from the Police

I'll bet the Spanish are always overwhelmed by their todo lists :-/

Remorse code: for when your hopes are dashed

Right now you’re ambivalent about artificial intelligence. One day it’ll be make your mind up time

Jesus is not merely your ransom, He's your righteousness. You're not merely tolerated by God, you're treasured. #EnjoyYourDay

Luther: "God receives none but those who are forsaken, restores health to none but those who are sick, gives sight to none but the blind...

...He restores life to none but the dead… has mercy on none but the wretched & gives grace to none but those in disgrace"

The enemy of your soul will soon be destroyed by the breath of Christ's mouth and the splendour of His coming. 2Thes2 #EnjoyYourDay

Evangelism is not really "Here's the deal". It's "Here's the story."

Best example of our blind faith in technology, no matter the evidence: long range weather forecasts.

No matter how many times it's proved itself wrong, still: "Apparently next month will contain the breeziest Tuesdays on record."

A Member of the Human Race is a Member of the Trinity. And you're a Member of Him! #EnjoyYourDay

#ClichedBible “Let’s call it a day” (Hebrews 4:7)

#ClichedBible “Shut up and kiss me” (Psalm 2)

#ClichedBible “I was born reddy” (Esau; Gen 25:25)

#ClichedBible “Totes Amaze Bowls” (Rev16) and “Dead Enosh” (Gen5:11)

#ClichedBible "That's how I roll." (Ezekiel 1:19)

#ClichedBible "You had me at hell" (Revelation 20:16)

#ClichedBible “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” (1Thes4:13)

#ClichedBible “Aw, hell no” (Matt16:20)

#ClichedBible “It’s all good” (Gen1:31). “It’s all goo’d” (Lev13:10)

If u identify 'real life' with sexual self expression, u condemn & frustrate far more people than the Bible ever has LINK

Our last sighting of Jesus: As He ascended He was blessing His people. (Lk24:51). He hasn't stopped since (Eph1:3). #EnjoyYourDay

Just as Buddhist dietary requirements are not carni-phobic so the Christian sex ethic is not homophobic LINK

The Trinity according to 2Cor1:3: Our Father, Compassion made flesh & Comfort personified. This is our God #EnjoyYourDay

Some say the Bayeux tapestry is more of an embroidery but that's just knit picking

I know, I know... #knitwit

Some call me lazy. Let them.

My nephew's new Playstation game is a bit worrying. He's building a master race on MeinKraft :-/

All day I’ve been trying to find an anagram for a pig hut video. I had to give up.

Tried to find an anagram of ‘how I use a hot gut slime encrusted within a fat idiot’. In the end I thought it was a ridiculous waste of time

TRUE FACT: A soprano’s top B-flat can cause heart arrhythmia. Worse things happen at C.

When I kiss you, I'm thinking of me: moi moi moi.

3

Published on 3 Comments on Tweet Silos

At Eastbourne’s Tourist Board meeting this morning: “You fools, I said PEERLESS. I want our seafront to be PEERLESS.”

If you want to know why Jesus died on the cross I have two words for you

Thru wilderness trials the Father promises: "My Presence (Christ!) will go with you and I will give you rest." Ex33 #EnjoyYourDay

Imagine "Best in Show" but with children for poodles. #ChildGenius

The Son of David has a great "largeness of heart" (1 Kings 4:29). There's plenty of room for you. #EnjoyYourDay

It's muggy out. I've been robbed twice already

In saying God is THREE "Persons" united in love, how do we define "Person"? How about "An “I” finding their identity in another." That work?

0K magazine leaves me absolutely cold. #1PUN

They don’t like you shrinking the Pyramid of Cheops. Small wonder.

If you like Pop, you’ll LOVE Bublé Rap

Eph 1:18-23 – The power of His resurrection is in you, the purpose of His resurrection is for you #EnjoyYourDay

As a rule, offers of tea to workmen exist in an inverse relationship to DIY competence. I've offered our guy 3 cups already.

"Yeah, right, aha, MDF, sure, ok. But when you say 'Just tea, just a normal cup of tea,' is English Breakfast ok?"

My modelling career really took off with Airfix

I see Burberry’s going up-market again. Sorting out the tweed from the chav.

Veni Vidi Vici sounds best in Latin. Unless you’ve just won at conkers

"Heaven is a place on earth with You." Good eschatology makes good pop songs

"Good reasoning" is like "Good living" - it's good! But it doesn't lead to the gospel, it is established by the gospel.

Probably my favourite fish opera is the one with “O For Tuna”: Carmena Piranha #1PUN

“Whoops!” “Never thought of that!” “My hands are tied” “It’s beyond fixing” - phrases our Father never says #EnjoyYourDay

"I'm all peopled out" #GodNeverSays

Ah, the Aztec priest, there’s a man after my own heart #1PUN

God’s love, which is completely yours in Jesus, is Forever, Fatherly and Forgiving: Psalm 103 #EnjoyYourDay

Intolerance to Pharisaism is a sign of Pharisaism. No-one hates Pharisees as much as Pharisees.

Your selfies are God's photobombs. (Genesis 1:26)

I'm amillennial. I just don't believe in young people.

Poor? Brokenhearted? Mourning? Bound? Christ is good news, comfort, gladness, freedom, a robe of praise & righteousness #Is61 #EnjoyYourDay

My general knowledge is appalling. My sergeant knowledge is little better. I'm a rank amateur :-/

"Dear God, once again, I'm *really* sorry for that sin?" "What sin?" (Hebrews 10:17) #EnjoyYourDay

This week my feed included #WeAreN alongside views like "Calvinism IS Christianity". Here's hoping the former influences views on the latter

We spend our lives trying to become wise, righteous, special, free. We have it all in Jesus: 1Cor1:30 #EnjoyYourDay

Your handsome, righteous Warrior King is God from God. He’s soaked with the Spirit of Joy and He LOVES His bride: Psalm 45#EnjoyYourDay

A life of faith, hope and love isn't the price of salvation, it's the prize: yours for free in Jesus (Col 1:3-6) #EnjoyYourDay

That’s cheap! Apparently U2′s frontman is 8ono #1PUN

Let's agree: good science doesn't belong to atheists & good morality doesn't belong to Christians. Now let's examine the foundations 4 both

"Sorry, snowed under" "I'm not a miracle worker" "I wish u hadn't told me that": Things u won't hear from Jesus. #TalkToHim #EnjoyYourDay

Preacher, your job is not to preach evangelical distinctives. Your job is to preach the evangel.

I keep getting passed over for the episcopacy. Must be some kind of oversight

Just imagine it: the Father selecting a sacrificial Lamb "for your sake" - His precious, eternal, spotless Son. 1Peter1:17-20 #EnjoyYourDay

Sore, Snake-bitten, Sullen? The Son of Man was lifted up for you. Look and live. John3:14f #EnjoyYourDay

"I've died and gone to heaven" - words describing a euphoric experience. Words describing every Christian. Col3:3 #EnjoyYourDay

Oh no, I've accidentally got 3 "P"s for my sermon tomorrow. Now I'll have to spend Saturday afternoon looking for chinos and a blue shirt :(

I'll probably cut one point for the podcast. Then it'll be 2 Ps in iPod

Well it is a powerful structure. To all naysayers let me encourage you: Give Ps a chance

Your prejudice against games of chance is just thinly veil bingotry

You may rail against fan friendly pop groups but that's just fighting the band that heeds you

My script for the 9th X-Men prequel has just been rejected. Feel like it's a bad omen.

In Gen22, Abraham's faith is not fatalistic resignation to the will of God. It is gospel hope in the resurrection of the Son (Heb11:17-19)

Christ says "I have surely seen yr affliction & have heard yr cry. I know yr sufferings & have come down to deliver u." Ex3 #EnjoyYourDay

Instinctively we think of creation as darkness -> light. Wouldn't it be more biblical to say light -> darkness -> light? 1John1:5; Gen1:2

Monday morning is Not 'same old, same old' - the old is gone, today is brand spanking new: Lam 3:23. #EnjoyYourDay

Published on Leave a comment on Happy Friday

Some home groan grown humour
(more here)

Ah, the Aztec priest, there’s a man after my own heart

"Yeah, madness. It's a called a Sob-aphone. A SOBAPHONE for crying out loud."

I'm afraid I can't weep in public. It's a crying shame.

Captain Sacrifabulous. (My altar ego)

Lawyers! Remember the Queen of all 1D fans can assist your case. That’s right, Miss Direction helps con jurors.

My friend won’t lend me his Joseph Heller novel till I’ve read it!

Ironically, unless you've already seen it you can't catch 22 Jump Street.

My seive’s better than yours. #HolierThanThou

Contradictory Celebs: Matt Gloss, Time Waits, Demi More, Bleak Lively #contradictorycelebs

What should I have with my bacon sandwich: Ketchup or HP? #crowdsaucing

What’s your favourite method of resolving an argument? Hit me

Idea for website – http://unknow-unfollowers.com Once u’ve discovered who’s unfollowed u, the site wipes yr memory & delivers a mild electric shock

I’ve finally ditched my Blackberry. Apple’s my new jam.

Don’t tell me I MUST visit the Bayeux tapestry. I hate quilt trips

Be aware. My imaginary teddy will mentally undress you.
IOW: Bear in mind my bear in mind will bare in mind.

#FilmPrequels Penultimate Tango in Paris,
Ar-GetReadyGetSet,
Soon-to-Be-Hur,
Old Men Ask For Country But Don’t Say Please

#FilmPrequels Scrooging, Scrooging

Apparently no roads lead from Rome. There’s no two-ways about It.

The temple drummer refused to accompany the service but I had him bang to rites.

Phwoar, that binary code! That’s a noughty one

I’ve invented an abbreviated form of morse code – for when you just want to dash something off.

For linguists, translating the Bible for the blind is the Holy Braille.

The gift of tongues: an acquired taste

My favourite fish opera is the one with “O For Tuna”: Carmena Piranha

Today you’re probably ambivalent about artificial intelligence, but one day it’ll be make your mind up time.

Its name is its unofficial motto: B right on

Just started a job-share as a GP. Everyone thinks it’s comedic

True story from 18 yrs ago:
Her: Hi, I’m Haydee
Me: If there were 2 of u it’d be hell! :)
Her: Why?!
Me: Well, cos, Hades
Her: What’s Hades?

<< I guess you could say, the young me was a real hell-raiser

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines There’s your genome with all those double-helix curves and here’s me with no brakes.

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Get your coat love, our genes have pooled.

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Get outta my memes and into my life

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Your daddy must have been a thief? Why? Selfish genes.

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Girl, when billions of years of death, pain and mindless struggle made you, they were showing off.

‘Chance would be a fine thing’ – Heisenberg.
‘Chants’ll be a fine thing’ – Pope Gregory.
‘Chancel be a fine thing’ – Christopher Wren

- Sometimes hindsight is 0-0
- Why?
- No eyed dear

- Sometimes hindsight is O-O
- Why?
- Cos she’s doe-eyed

When baking, every Mel needs a Sous. Complements to the chef.

Do not forget to wrestle strangers for by so doing some have wrestled angels unawares. #ScriptureInterpretsScripture

Of course He’s the shy member of the Trinity – He’s the original Ghost writer. (2 Peter 1:21)

Probably the most driven animal was the Dodo

In the style of Guy Ritchie I’m producing a tacky biopic of Howard Stern’s music career: a mocklockstockshockjockschlockrockdoc

Forgot to get wrapping paper 4 Emma’s bday presents. Thankfully we have plenty of ‘decorated pine tree’ paper with added ‘birthday reindeer’

I bet the Spanish are constantly overwhelmed by their todo lists :-/

Stoics want to correct my spelling. They have no affect.

- Your pedantry is mute.
- That makes no sense, it’s moo…
- I said MUTE

It’s a shame but, since there are only 22 letters in Hebrew, alphabetizing the pauses in the Psalms will only get you so far. Selah V :(

Clouds to the left of me, joking to the right. #holySaturday

But Peter Pan gags DO get old. They DO

- Everything’s Greekified these days.
- You mean ‘Hellenized’?
- See?!

Subway have a new secret filling – they’re keeping it under wraps

Just entered a yodelling competition. I’m in with a shout

I know it’s odd to carry my teddy around but bear with me.

Chief bugbear? Probably the Panda Maggot. No, wait, the Grizzly Weevil. Hang on: The PolarPillar. Yeah, PolarPillar.

Why did Jesus get a drink at Jacob’s Well? Cos the Harvester was plenty full.
#PubThemedJohn4Lolz #epic

I used to have an NY State of Mind. I’m OK now

You’re so ad hominem I call you the Ad Hominid #checkmate

You know who else loved to cite Godwin’s law? The Nazis #checkmate

I’m afraid your argumentum verbosium reveals a superfluum latine #checkmate

Why do sneezers get all the blessings? I’m gonna bless coughs & hiccups too. Burpers get an ironic blessing #HeapingCoals #IronicNotAaronic

“Yeah sure, I’m like totally blessing you or whatever.” — The Ironic Priesthood

- “Guevara was easy. Name another one.”
- “Given”
- “Ah, Two Che”

I’ve come up with a thousand separate arguments against scholasticism. They’re a bit a-Thomistic

Colonel Sanders: Chick magnate

Some put their bios in the third person.
Mine’s in the Second Person (Col. 3:3-4)

Genesis: Snakes and Ladders
Psalms: Hide and Seek
#BibleGames

Galatians: Noughts and Crosses
1Peter: Simon Says
#BibleGames

Joshua: Conkers
Romans: More than Conkers
#BibleGames

Leviticus: Keep-Away-Pick-Up-Sticks combo
#BibleGames

Leviticus: Pass the Pigs
Jonah: Keep Away
#BibleGames

I lead. Others unfollow

Joel: Cricket(s)
Revelation 8: Hurling
#BibleGames

1 Corinthians 1: Crosswords
Job 38-41: Hungry, Hungry Hippos**
#BibleGames
**May be an elephant or water buffalo. Scholars disagree

I consider my next three tweets as an artistic whole. A twiptych if you will…
1. She said she half-inched my rhyming dictionary. No idea what she meant…
2. Next she stole my thesaurus. There are no words…
3. Turns out she works for the OED. Explains a lot.

 

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