Tag: humourous

Another Happy Friday from my Tweets... sorry!

I want to write a book on Luther, from "Bondage of the Will" to his dying words. I'd call it "Choosers can't be beggars."

I'm pretty sure someone's been pouring custard into my burial site. The plot thickens.

They've just put 321 into Italian. When they translated 'del Mondo' it meant the world to me.

That's cheap! Apparently U2's frontman is 8ono

All day I've been trying to find an anagram for a pig hut video. I had to give up.

TRUE FACT: The top B-flat of a soprano's range can cause heart arrhythmia. Worse things happen at C.

I cannot emphasize /**THAT**/ enough

"Were there many factors that inspired such a speedy overture?" - "Only time" (Will Tell)

Strange, you can call a Welshman dim, but it means nothing to him.

To all those struggling with your iPhone updates... I'm sorry for your Ios

Some call me lazy. Let them.

I don't mean to judge but naming your children after diseases is cruel. Especially if your surname is Ridden.

I'm always wondering how @DerrenBrown might trick me. Hypnothetically speaking.

That Paul McKenna, he can mesmerize others but he can't take it himself. Hypnocrite

My father quit his job cleaning Tube tracks after they asked him to double as a late-night ghost-buster. He doesn't fluffer ghouls sadly

Tried to find an anagram of 'how I use a hot gut slime encrusted within a fat idiot'. In the end I thought it was a ridiculous waste of time

Everywhere I go I see automated crazy people. Maybe it's psychos'o-matic

Street-preachers: think twice before proclaiming Psalm 118:12. You may just be Preaching the Bees. #topicalspoonerism #edgy

Given what we know of human nature... In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is burnt as a witch, right?

They don't like you shrinking the Pyramid of Cheops. Small wonder.

The temple drummer didn't want to accompany the ceremony. But I had him bang to rites.

You don't like flat bread? More's the pitta.

Just bought a bible that skips from Psalms to Ecclesiastes. Someone's been taking the proverbial

-- My last bible only had 3 Gospels. I should have realised - it was Marked down :(

-- I don't mind my Spanish bookseller keeping back the fourth gospel for himself. Takes Juan to know Juan

-- My last bible stopped before Psalms. I guess they thought Job Done

-- Turns out my bible was missing Ezekiel 38-39. I was agog! Not to mention magog

-- My bible has variant spellings of the minor prophets. Obadih. Obadah. Life goes on

-- I, like, totally finished Jonah. Then I turned the page and was all, like, Dude, where's Micah?

"All I wanted was some cough mixture but the pharmacist just went on and on"
"Expectorant?"
"No I was shocked"
#coughlolz

If you like Pop, you'll LOVE Bublé Rap

Veni Vidi Vici sounds best in Latin. Unless you've just won at conkers

Leave it. The bandage can come off when it's goo'd and reddy

< Sorry for the bandage gag. #takingthepuss

I see Burberry's going up-market again. Sorting out the tweed from the chav.

0K magazine leaves me absolutely cold.

Times Knew Roman... A Font of Wisdom

Sorry, I know you deserve a higher Calibri of pun, but no need to get all AdversArial about it.

These font gags are Sans Comic :(

Is it just me or is solipsism nuts?

What is 'vicarious research'? Asking for a friend.

Radiohead's frontman tends to dominate. As a rule of thom

St Pancras: A guy in the shop wanted to impress the French salesman. "Bonjour" he said. "Oh u speak French?" "Oui, un petit pois"

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE CHOSE THIS! DOES HE EVEN KNOW ME? I'D RATHER D.. Oh, it's actually quite nice."#everyepisodeofDontTellTheBride

Rejoice Gok, Rejoice! For She has an hourglass figure and You have A Belt! #EveryGokWanShow

ME: If Channing Tatum asked you "Come away with me now", what would you say?
EMMA: I'm sorry I'm married
ME: In what sense are you sorry?

Today a woman told me "I must get your wife's book for my granddaughter, she too struggles with dyslexia." #runsinthefamily

What my wife meant to say: "I am *not* a misanthrope." What she actually said: "I am *not* a malaprop." Perfect.

"Co-heirs with Christ" is a wonderful truth. For 1 thing when window shopping u can say 2 yr wife: "U like that necklace honey? It's yours"

He went for a fist-pump, I went for a handshake. You may say he was the cool one. I say paper beats rock.

Remember: Spring Forwards, Autumn't you put the clock back an hour?

Twitter is about striking that delicate balance between 1) incisive social commentary and 2) toilet humour. Today I'm doing a number 2

It takes a child to raze a village #PyroProverbs

I can't shed tears in public. It's a crying shame :(

Us evangelists are a hardy breed. Despite my car being dead, I'm now off to Scotland to preach. This is what we train for.

You may call me crazy, writing a sequel to Antigone. "All the characters are dead" you'll say. I say "Antigtwo" writes itself!

 

Some home grown humour today - a collection of the hashtag games I've played on Twitter...

#BritishBible "The leaves of the tea are for the healing of the nations"

#BritishBible "How the Blighty is fallen"

#BritishBible "Mustn't grumble" (Numbers 14:27)

#BritishBible "That's the Spirit!" (1 John 4:2)

#BritishBible "The guests at the wedding turned their water into whine."

#BritishBible Acts 8:26: "And an angel of the Lord said unto Philip, 'Pip, Pip, Tally Ho!'"

#BritishBible Acts 8:39 "Toodle Pip"

#BritishBible 1 Peter 1:8 "You are filled with an inexpressible joy. And we'd rather you keep it that way."

#BritishBible Rev 8:1 "There was silence in heaven for about half an hour. And no-one knew where to look..."

#BritishBible "...Terry considered making a joke about running out of scrolls but his wife shot him a deadly glare."

#BritishBible "There is now no condemnation, only a vague but gnawing sense of utter shame and worthlessness."

 

 

#halfheartedlovesongs  Mild thing, you make my heart sink

#halfheartedlovesongs  I got flu babe

#halfheartedlovesongs  Every little thing she does is tiresome

#halfheartedlovesongs  Am I only dreaming, or is this burning, in-di-gestion pain?

#halfheartedlovesongs  I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes. This love is a peripheral, strictly surface-level sensation

#halfheartedlovesongs  I just called to say this is my new number, update your contacts

#halfheartedlovesongs  Don't want to close my eyes, Don't want to fall asleep, But does this story have a point??

#halfheartedlovesongs  Shh hon, Corrie's on, And I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

#halfheartedlovesongs  With or without you, With or without youuuuu, I could live, with or without you

#halfheartedlovesong  I wanna hold your handbag

#halfheartedlovesongs  I can't see me lovin nobody but you for all my life. #doublenegative#brilliantloophole

#halfheartedlovesongs  On the day that u were born the angels got together... Committee projects are always tricky

#halfheartedlovesongs Your love is like a roller-coaster baby, baby - a big let down

#halfheartedlovesongs "Whoaaaahhh, this sex is quite dire."

 

 

#mistranslatedbooks Victor Hugo's uplifting sequel: Less Miserable

#mistranslatedbooks The Story of a Conurbation by Charles Dickens

#mistranslatedbooks Harper Lee's tale of a Romanian pop duo cut down in their prime: To Kill A Cheeky Girl

#mistranslatedbooks  Celsius 232.7.   69060 Miles Under The Sea.   Around the World in 11.43 Weeks.

#mistranslatedbooks Mike Horton's seminal: "ianity"

#mistranslatedbooks Giovanni Arpino's: "Lady Pong" & Kenneth Grahame's "Fart in the Woods"

 

 

If u think u can make it today without prayer, u put yourself above MC Hammer. RU better than the Hammer? #MiddleAgedYouthWorker

It's like that scene from Howard's End... #MiddleAgedYouthWorker

I say PERI you say CHORESIS: PERI -- PERI -- #MiddleAgedYouthWorker

Sure Michaelangelo was a party dude, but if a machine needed doing Donatello was your ninja turtle. #MiddleAgedYouthWorker

 

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spew #typofilms

When Happy Met Silly #typofilms

When Hairy Met Pally #typofilms

John McClane takes on the badger cull: "Die Herd" #typofilms

 

#AddaWordRuinaMovie Slum Dog. Millionaire Otter

#AddaWordRuinaMovie When Harry Met Sally Gunnell

#AddaWordRuinaMovie Batman Begins Pilates

#AddaWordRuinaMovie Die Hard Belieber. (Works as adjective OR imperative)

#AddaWordRuinAMovie Batman Yodels, Batman: Tax Returns, Batman Forever Itchy, Batman Begins Decoupage, Dark Knight Bakes, Dark Knight: Bread Rises

#AddaWordRuinaChristianBook When I don't desire Desiring God, The Well Good God, The Unquenchable Flamethrower, If God, then What Ever?

 

If you read Exodus backwards, the Israelites run from torrential bread-storms to seek work in Egypt #BackwardsBible

If you read Ruth backwards, Boaz divorces&repatriates his asylum-seeking wife after finding another man's shoe #BackwardsBible

If you read Genesis 25-27 backwards, Isaac blesses his cross dressing son who becomes a successful caterer #BackwardsBible

If you read 1 Samuel 17 backwards, David, just one day from retirement, sees the daddy of all zombies and quits #BackwardsBible

If you read Isaiah 6 backwards, the prophet hurls a seraph at the altar after hearing his job description #BackwardsBible

If you read Luke 5 backwards, Jesus encourages his friends to pursue many and varied career paths #BackwardsBible

If you read Acts 5 backwards, a wealthy couple leave a substantial legacy to the church #BackwardsBible

If you read Acts 8 backwards, Philip gets blown through a chariot. An Ethiopian is bemused #BackwardsBible

If you read John 2 backwards, Jesus tidies a temple and ruins a wedding #BackwardsBible

If you read Acts 2 backwards, Peter appears drunk in town having driven away 95% of the church #BackwardsBible

If you read Genesis 2 backwards, Adam faints at the sight of a naked lady. He sends away all the animals and dies alone :( #BackwardsBible

If you read Gen 3 backwards, the LORD drags Adam&Eve into the garden, gives them a stern dressing down then exits, moonwalking #BackwardsBible

New Ruling: There are only 2 possible exits from a #BackwardsBible scene. 1) A moonwalk, 2) reverse pregnancy. 2) is strictly forbidden

If you read John 6-8 backwards, Jesus throws a woman to the mob, steals everyone's lunch then moon-walks on water #BackwardsBible

 

#ClichedBible "I was born reddy" (Esau; Gen 25:25)

#ClichedBible "Totes Amaze Bowls" (Rev16) and "Dead Enosh" (Gen5:11)

#ClichedBible "That's how I roll" (Ezekiel 1:19)

#ClichedBible "I'll sleep when I'm dead" (1Thes4:13)

#ClichedBible "Aw, hell no" (Matt16:20)

#ClichedBible "Shut up and kiss me" (Psalm 2:12)

#ClichedBible "It's all good" (Gen1:31). "It's all goo'd" (Lev13:10)

 

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Institutional racism #ruinedpunchline

KnockKnock.
Who there?
Ray Davies.
Ray Davies of TheWho?
No ur thinkin of RogerDaltrey, ever heard of the Kinks?
*silence*
#ruinedpunchline

A wisecracking barman walks into a stable. The horses exact brutal revenge for years of unprovoked verbal abuse. #ruinedpunchline

My dog's got no distinguishing features?
What's funny about that?
Why is everything a joke with you?
#ruinedpunchline

What do u call a boomerang that doesn't return? True fact: most don't! Those that do are called 'Returning Boomerangs' #ruinedpunchline

How many Irishmen does it take to change a tired and shallow cultural stereotype? Tirty tree. #ruinedpunchline

Did you hear the one about the Chinese Dentist who, every afternoon, was subjected to racist "jokes"? :( #ruinedpunchline #punchlinesthatruin

Vet: "I'm going to have 2 put yr dog down."
Me:"Why, is it heavy? :)"
Vet: "No it mauled 3 children, we've been thru this"
#ruinedpunchline

- Someone called you an owl.
- Who?
- Hahaha!
- Who? Who dammit!??
- Hahahahaha!
- I'll kill you, I'll kill all of you
#ruinedpunchline

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? An easy target - Yee Har! Lock n load! #ruinedpunchline

What do you call a 3-legged donkey? Disabled? Differently abled? Ambulatorially Challenged? It's a minefield! #ruinedpunchline