Some home grown humour today - a collection of the hashtag games I've played on Twitter...
#BritishBible "The leaves of the tea are for the healing of the nations"
#BritishBible "How the Blighty is fallen"
#BritishBible "Mustn't grumble" (Numbers 14:27)
#BritishBible "That's the Spirit!" (1 John 4:2)
#BritishBible "The guests at the wedding turned their water into whine."
#BritishBible Acts 8:26: "And an angel of the Lord said unto Philip, 'Pip, Pip, Tally Ho!'"
#BritishBible Acts 8:39 "Toodle Pip"
#BritishBible 1 Peter 1:8 "You are filled with an inexpressible joy. And we'd rather you keep it that way."
#BritishBible Rev 8:1 "There was silence in heaven for about half an hour. And no-one knew where to look..."
#BritishBible "...Terry considered making a joke about running out of scrolls but his wife shot him a deadly glare."
#BritishBible "There is now no condemnation, only a vague but gnawing sense of utter shame and worthlessness."
#halfheartedlovesongs Mild thing, you make my heart sink
#halfheartedlovesongs I got flu babe
#halfheartedlovesongs Every little thing she does is tiresome
#halfheartedlovesongs Am I only dreaming, or is this burning, in-di-gestion pain?
#halfheartedlovesongs I feel it in my fingers I feel it in my toes. This love is a peripheral, strictly surface-level sensation
#halfheartedlovesongs I just called to say this is my new number, update your contacts
#halfheartedlovesongs Don't want to close my eyes, Don't want to fall asleep, But does this story have a point??
#halfheartedlovesongs Shh hon, Corrie's on, And I Don't Want To Miss A Thing
#halfheartedlovesongs With or without you, With or without youuuuu, I could live, with or without you
#halfheartedlovesong I wanna hold your handbag
#halfheartedlovesongs I can't see me lovin nobody but you for all my life. #doublenegative#brilliantloophole
#halfheartedlovesongs On the day that u were born the angels got together... Committee projects are always tricky
#halfheartedlovesongs Your love is like a roller-coaster baby, baby - a big let down
#halfheartedlovesongs "Whoaaaahhh, this sex is quite dire."
#mistranslatedbooks Victor Hugo's uplifting sequel: Less Miserable
#mistranslatedbooks The Story of a Conurbation by Charles Dickens
#mistranslatedbooks Harper Lee's tale of a Romanian pop duo cut down in their prime: To Kill A Cheeky Girl
#mistranslatedbooks Celsius 232.7. 69060 Miles Under The Sea. Around the World in 11.43 Weeks.
#mistranslatedbooks Mike Horton's seminal: "ianity"
#mistranslatedbooks Giovanni Arpino's: "Lady Pong" & Kenneth Grahame's "Fart in the Woods"
If u think u can make it today without prayer, u put yourself above MC Hammer. RU better than the Hammer? #MiddleAgedYouthWorker
It's like that scene from Howard's End... #MiddleAgedYouthWorker
I say PERI you say CHORESIS: PERI -- PERI -- #MiddleAgedYouthWorker
Sure Michaelangelo was a party dude, but if a machine needed doing Donatello was your ninja turtle. #MiddleAgedYouthWorker
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spew #typofilms
When Happy Met Silly #typofilms
When Hairy Met Pally #typofilms
John McClane takes on the badger cull: "Die Herd" #typofilms
#AddaWordRuinaMovie Slum Dog. Millionaire Otter
#AddaWordRuinaMovie When Harry Met Sally Gunnell
#AddaWordRuinaMovie Batman Begins Pilates
#AddaWordRuinaMovie Die Hard Belieber. (Works as adjective OR imperative)
#AddaWordRuinAMovie Batman Yodels, Batman: Tax Returns, Batman Forever Itchy, Batman Begins Decoupage, Dark Knight Bakes, Dark Knight: Bread Rises
#AddaWordRuinaChristianBook When I don't desire Desiring God, The Well Good God, The Unquenchable Flamethrower, If God, then What Ever?
If you read Exodus backwards, the Israelites run from torrential bread-storms to seek work in Egypt #BackwardsBible
If you read Ruth backwards, Boaz divorces&repatriates his asylum-seeking wife after finding another man's shoe #BackwardsBible
If you read Genesis 25-27 backwards, Isaac blesses his cross dressing son who becomes a successful caterer #BackwardsBible
If you read 1 Samuel 17 backwards, David, just one day from retirement, sees the daddy of all zombies and quits #BackwardsBible
If you read Isaiah 6 backwards, the prophet hurls a seraph at the altar after hearing his job description #BackwardsBible
If you read Luke 5 backwards, Jesus encourages his friends to pursue many and varied career paths #BackwardsBible
If you read Acts 5 backwards, a wealthy couple leave a substantial legacy to the church #BackwardsBible
If you read Acts 8 backwards, Philip gets blown through a chariot. An Ethiopian is bemused #BackwardsBible
If you read John 2 backwards, Jesus tidies a temple and ruins a wedding #BackwardsBible
If you read Acts 2 backwards, Peter appears drunk in town having driven away 95% of the church #BackwardsBible
If you read Genesis 2 backwards, Adam faints at the sight of a naked lady. He sends away all the animals and dies alone :( #BackwardsBible
If you read Gen 3 backwards, the LORD drags Adam&Eve into the garden, gives them a stern dressing down then exits, moonwalking #BackwardsBible
New Ruling: There are only 2 possible exits from a #BackwardsBible scene. 1) A moonwalk, 2) reverse pregnancy. 2) is strictly forbidden
If you read John 6-8 backwards, Jesus throws a woman to the mob, steals everyone's lunch then moon-walks on water #BackwardsBible
#ClichedBible "I was born reddy" (Esau; Gen 25:25)
#ClichedBible "Totes Amaze Bowls" (Rev16) and "Dead Enosh" (Gen5:11)
#ClichedBible "That's how I roll" (Ezekiel 1:19)
#ClichedBible "I'll sleep when I'm dead" (1Thes4:13)
#ClichedBible "Aw, hell no" (Matt16:20)
#ClichedBible "Shut up and kiss me" (Psalm 2:12)
#ClichedBible "It's all good" (Gen1:31). "It's all goo'd" (Lev13:10)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Institutional racism #ruinedpunchline
Ray Davies of TheWho?
No ur thinkin of RogerDaltrey, ever heard of the Kinks?
A wisecracking barman walks into a stable. The horses exact brutal revenge for years of unprovoked verbal abuse. #ruinedpunchline
My dog's got no distinguishing features?
What's funny about that?
Why is everything a joke with you?
What do u call a boomerang that doesn't return? True fact: most don't! Those that do are called 'Returning Boomerangs' #ruinedpunchline
How many Irishmen does it take to change a tired and shallow cultural stereotype? Tirty tree. #ruinedpunchline
Did you hear the one about the Chinese Dentist who, every afternoon, was subjected to racist "jokes"? :( #ruinedpunchline #punchlinesthatruin
Vet: "I'm going to have 2 put yr dog down."
Me:"Why, is it heavy? :)"
Vet: "No it mauled 3 children, we've been thru this"
- Someone called you an owl.
- Who? Who dammit!??
- I'll kill you, I'll kill all of you
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? An easy target - Yee Har! Lock n load! #ruinedpunchline
What do you call a 3-legged donkey? Disabled? Differently abled? Ambulatorially Challenged? It's a minefield! #ruinedpunchline