Another Happy Friday from my Tweets... sorry!
I want to write a book on Luther, from "Bondage of the Will" to his dying words. I'd call it "Choosers can't be beggars."
I'm pretty sure someone's been pouring custard into my burial site. The plot thickens.
They've just put 321 into Italian. When they translated 'del Mondo' it meant the world to me.
That's cheap! Apparently U2's frontman is 8ono
All day I've been trying to find an anagram for a pig hut video. I had to give up.
TRUE FACT: The top B-flat of a soprano's range can cause heart arrhythmia. Worse things happen at C.
I cannot emphasize /**THAT**/ enough
"Were there many factors that inspired such a speedy overture?" - "Only time" (Will Tell)
Strange, you can call a Welshman dim, but it means nothing to him.
To all those struggling with your iPhone updates... I'm sorry for your Ios
Some call me lazy. Let them.
I don't mean to judge but naming your children after diseases is cruel. Especially if your surname is Ridden.
I'm always wondering how @DerrenBrown might trick me. Hypnothetically speaking.
That Paul McKenna, he can mesmerize others but he can't take it himself. Hypnocrite
My father quit his job cleaning Tube tracks after they asked him to double as a late-night ghost-buster. He doesn't fluffer ghouls sadly
Tried to find an anagram of 'how I use a hot gut slime encrusted within a fat idiot'. In the end I thought it was a ridiculous waste of time
Everywhere I go I see automated crazy people. Maybe it's psychos'o-matic
Street-preachers: think twice before proclaiming Psalm 118:12. You may just be Preaching the Bees. #topicalspoonerism #edgy
Given what we know of human nature... In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is burnt as a witch, right?
They don't like you shrinking the Pyramid of Cheops. Small wonder.
The temple drummer didn't want to accompany the ceremony. But I had him bang to rites.
You don't like flat bread? More's the pitta.
Just bought a bible that skips from Psalms to Ecclesiastes. Someone's been taking the proverbial
-- My last bible only had 3 Gospels. I should have realised - it was Marked down :(
-- I don't mind my Spanish bookseller keeping back the fourth gospel for himself. Takes Juan to know Juan
-- My last bible stopped before Psalms. I guess they thought Job Done
-- Turns out my bible was missing Ezekiel 38-39. I was agog! Not to mention magog
-- My bible has variant spellings of the minor prophets. Obadih. Obadah. Life goes on
-- I, like, totally finished Jonah. Then I turned the page and was all, like, Dude, where's Micah?
"All I wanted was some cough mixture but the pharmacist just went on and on"
"Expectorant?"
"No I was shocked"
#coughlolz
If you like Pop, you'll LOVE Bublé Rap
Veni Vidi Vici sounds best in Latin. Unless you've just won at conkers
Leave it. The bandage can come off when it's goo'd and reddy
< Sorry for the bandage gag. #takingthepuss
I see Burberry's going up-market again. Sorting out the tweed from the chav.
0K magazine leaves me absolutely cold.
Times Knew Roman... A Font of Wisdom
Sorry, I know you deserve a higher Calibri of pun, but no need to get all AdversArial about it.
These font gags are Sans Comic :(
Is it just me or is solipsism nuts?
What is 'vicarious research'? Asking for a friend.
Radiohead's frontman tends to dominate. As a rule of thom
St Pancras: A guy in the shop wanted to impress the French salesman. "Bonjour" he said. "Oh u speak French?" "Oui, un petit pois"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE CHOSE THIS! DOES HE EVEN KNOW ME? I'D RATHER D.. Oh, it's actually quite nice."#everyepisodeofDontTellTheBride
Rejoice Gok, Rejoice! For She has an hourglass figure and You have A Belt! #EveryGokWanShow
ME: If Channing Tatum asked you "Come away with me now", what would you say?
EMMA: I'm sorry I'm married
ME: In what sense are you sorry?
Today a woman told me "I must get your wife's book for my granddaughter, she too struggles with dyslexia." #runsinthefamily
What my wife meant to say: "I am *not* a misanthrope." What she actually said: "I am *not* a malaprop." Perfect.
"Co-heirs with Christ" is a wonderful truth. For 1 thing when window shopping u can say 2 yr wife: "U like that necklace honey? It's yours"
He went for a fist-pump, I went for a handshake. You may say he was the cool one. I say paper beats rock.
Remember: Spring Forwards, Autumn't you put the clock back an hour?
Twitter is about striking that delicate balance between 1) incisive social commentary and 2) toilet humour. Today I'm doing a number 2
It takes a child to raze a village #PyroProverbs
I can't shed tears in public. It's a crying shame :(
Us evangelists are a hardy breed. Despite my car being dead, I'm now off to Scotland to preach. This is what we train for.
You may call me crazy, writing a sequel to Antigone. "All the characters are dead" you'll say. I say "Antigtwo" writes itself!