From Cranmer, his commenters and some disturbing web research:
Woman marries fairground ride
“I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever.”
In other news:
Woman Marries Dolphin
Dressed in a white dress, a veil and pink flowers in her hair, Sharon Tendler got down on one knee on the dock and gave Cindy a kiss. And a piece of herring. "It's not a perverted thing. I do love this dolphin. He's the love of my life," she said
Woman marries Berlin Wall
"The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he’s too thick – my husband is sexier."
While the rest of mankind rejoiced when the Wall, erected by the Soviets in 1961 to halt an exodus from East to West Berlin, was largely torn down in 1989, its "wife" was horrified.
She's never been back and now keeps models depicting "his" former glory.
She said: “What they did was awful. They mutilated my husband."
She is said to have shifted her affections to a nearby garden fence.
Woman Marries Eiffel Tower
Erika La Tour Eiffel, 37, a former soldier who lives in San Francisco, has been in love with objects before. Her first infatuation was with Lance, a bow that helped her to become a world-class archer, she is fond of the Berlin Wall and she claims to have a physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom. But it is the Eiffel Tower she has pledged to love, honour and obey in an intimate ceremony attended by a handful of friends.
Man marries dog
The wedding took place at a Hindu temple in Tamil Nadu state. The "bride" wore an orange sari with a flower garland and was fed a bun to celebrate. Superstitious people in rural India sometimes organise weddings to animals in the hope of warding off curses.
The point here is not to make fun of those who clearly struggle with deep issues. We all would want to help these people. But our first thoughts as to how to help them would not, I suggest, be to 'normalize' these unions as healthy and legitimate marriages.
The point here is our definition of marriage. Are these 'marriages'? If not - then let London Mayor, Boris Johnson's logic compel you:.
"If gay marriage was OK - and I was uncertain on the issue - then I saw no reason in principle why a union should not be consecrated between three men, as well as two men; or indeed three men and a dog."