Some favourite one liners recently garnered from the Twittersphere (mostly from Martin Williams)...
Wives, when your man says he'll fix it, he'll fix it. You don't need to remind him every 6 months.
Whereever he is, I'm know my grandfather is looking down on me. He's not dead, just very condescending.
Yes my dad went bankrupt selling polo hammers that are too short. I just wished people would get off their high horse.
Would make a demoralising, patronising joke about your height - but I'm bigger than that
When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays, school uniforms or even shoes... so our parents paid for them.
Imagine a world without made up scenarios.
Just made a complaint at the shopping mall about the escalator. It didn't go down well.
Hoping to find a cure for my hiccups. But I'm not holding my breath.
My wife asked me for another word for incorrect. As always, my answer was wrong
BadThingsToHearAtPsychiatrists Dont want u2 think of me as a psychiatrist, but as a mental patient whokilled the psychiatrist b4 u got here
A new self-help group has been formed for secretive compulsive talkers? On & On Anon.
Dressed in orange, detained without trial, asked questions they dont know the answers to. How would you like to work in Homebase?
GNAB! That's bang out of order
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
They say all the world's a stage. So where's the audience meant to sit?
For any joiners out there looking for work.. my door is always open
A guy in the pub called me a tightfisted cheapskate. So I threw his drink in his face.