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Happy Friday

Some home groan grown humour
(more here)

Ah, the Aztec priest, there’s a man after my own heart

"Yeah, madness. It's a called a Sob-aphone. A SOBAPHONE for crying out loud."

I'm afraid I can't weep in public. It's a crying shame.

Captain Sacrifabulous. (My altar ego)

Lawyers! Remember the Queen of all 1D fans can assist your case. That’s right, Miss Direction helps con jurors.

My friend won’t lend me his Joseph Heller novel till I’ve read it!

Ironically, unless you've already seen it you can't catch 22 Jump Street.

My seive’s better than yours. #HolierThanThou

Contradictory Celebs: Matt Gloss, Time Waits, Demi More, Bleak Lively #contradictorycelebs

What should I have with my bacon sandwich: Ketchup or HP? #crowdsaucing

What’s your favourite method of resolving an argument? Hit me

Idea for website – Once u’ve discovered who’s unfollowed u, the site wipes yr memory & delivers a mild electric shock

I’ve finally ditched my Blackberry. Apple’s my new jam.

Don’t tell me I MUST visit the Bayeux tapestry. I hate quilt trips

Be aware. My imaginary teddy will mentally undress you.
IOW: Bear in mind my bear in mind will bare in mind.

#FilmPrequels Penultimate Tango in Paris,
Old Men Ask For Country But Don’t Say Please

#FilmPrequels Scrooging, Scrooging

Apparently no roads lead from Rome. There’s no two-ways about It.

The temple drummer refused to accompany the service but I had him bang to rites.

Phwoar, that binary code! That’s a noughty one

I’ve invented an abbreviated form of morse code – for when you just want to dash something off.

For linguists, translating the Bible for the blind is the Holy Braille.

The gift of tongues: an acquired taste

My favourite fish opera is the one with “O For Tuna”: Carmena Piranha

Today you’re probably ambivalent about artificial intelligence, but one day it’ll be make your mind up time.

Its name is its unofficial motto: B right on

Just started a job-share as a GP. Everyone thinks it’s comedic

True story from 18 yrs ago:
Her: Hi, I’m Haydee
Me: If there were 2 of u it’d be hell! :)
Her: Why?!
Me: Well, cos, Hades
Her: What’s Hades?

<< I guess you could say, the young me was a real hell-raiser

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines There’s your genome with all those double-helix curves and here’s me with no brakes.

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Get your coat love, our genes have pooled.

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Get outta my memes and into my life

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Your daddy must have been a thief? Why? Selfish genes.

#RichardDawkinsChatUpLines Girl, when billions of years of death, pain and mindless struggle made you, they were showing off.

‘Chance would be a fine thing’ – Heisenberg.
‘Chants’ll be a fine thing’ – Pope Gregory.
‘Chancel be a fine thing’ – Christopher Wren

- Sometimes hindsight is 0-0
- Why?
- No eyed dear

- Sometimes hindsight is O-O
- Why?
- Cos she’s doe-eyed

When baking, every Mel needs a Sous. Complements to the chef.

Do not forget to wrestle strangers for by so doing some have wrestled angels unawares. #ScriptureInterpretsScripture

Of course He’s the shy member of the Trinity – He’s the original Ghost writer. (2 Peter 1:21)

Probably the most driven animal was the Dodo

In the style of Guy Ritchie I’m producing a tacky biopic of Howard Stern’s music career: a mocklockstockshockjockschlockrockdoc

Forgot to get wrapping paper 4 Emma’s bday presents. Thankfully we have plenty of ‘decorated pine tree’ paper with added ‘birthday reindeer’

I bet the Spanish are constantly overwhelmed by their todo lists :-/

Stoics want to correct my spelling. They have no affect.

- Your pedantry is mute.
- That makes no sense, it’s moo…
- I said MUTE

It’s a shame but, since there are only 22 letters in Hebrew, alphabetizing the pauses in the Psalms will only get you so far. Selah V :(

Clouds to the left of me, joking to the right. #holySaturday

But Peter Pan gags DO get old. They DO

- Everything’s Greekified these days.
- You mean ‘Hellenized’?
- See?!

Subway have a new secret filling – they’re keeping it under wraps

Just entered a yodelling competition. I’m in with a shout

I know it’s odd to carry my teddy around but bear with me.

Chief bugbear? Probably the Panda Maggot. No, wait, the Grizzly Weevil. Hang on: The PolarPillar. Yeah, PolarPillar.

Why did Jesus get a drink at Jacob’s Well? Cos the Harvester was plenty full.
#PubThemedJohn4Lolz #epic

I used to have an NY State of Mind. I’m OK now

You’re so ad hominem I call you the Ad Hominid #checkmate

You know who else loved to cite Godwin’s law? The Nazis #checkmate

I’m afraid your argumentum verbosium reveals a superfluum latine #checkmate

Why do sneezers get all the blessings? I’m gonna bless coughs & hiccups too. Burpers get an ironic blessing #HeapingCoals #IronicNotAaronic

“Yeah sure, I’m like totally blessing you or whatever.” — The Ironic Priesthood

- “Guevara was easy. Name another one.”
- “Given”
- “Ah, Two Che”

I’ve come up with a thousand separate arguments against scholasticism. They’re a bit a-Thomistic

Colonel Sanders: Chick magnate

Some put their bios in the third person.
Mine’s in the Second Person (Col. 3:3-4)

Genesis: Snakes and Ladders
Psalms: Hide and Seek

Galatians: Noughts and Crosses
1Peter: Simon Says

Joshua: Conkers
Romans: More than Conkers

Leviticus: Keep-Away-Pick-Up-Sticks combo

Leviticus: Pass the Pigs
Jonah: Keep Away

I lead. Others unfollow

Joel: Cricket(s)
Revelation 8: Hurling

1 Corinthians 1: Crosswords
Job 38-41: Hungry, Hungry Hippos**
**May be an elephant or water buffalo. Scholars disagree

I consider my next three tweets as an artistic whole. A twiptych if you will…
1. She said she half-inched my rhyming dictionary. No idea what she meant…
2. Next she stole my thesaurus. There are no words…
3. Turns out she works for the OED. Explains a lot.


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